I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
I'm getting married
To pizza
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
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