Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
Randomize