This girls' body was nothing short of spectacular...her face, was like the '09 Detroit Lions
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
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