Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
At 12:16 am. We just got out of the truck and went behind it and fucked. With 3 people in the truck. On the side of the road. As cars drove by.
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
My orgasm happened in two different decades
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