You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
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