My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
I need to sanitize my soul.
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
Randomize
