there's paper in my vomit.
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
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