I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
This is the prime rib incident all over again
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
Randomize
