I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
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