Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
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