I can't watch pbs sober anymore
This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
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