i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
