I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
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