at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
