So the hot 23 year old i went home with last night is really 17 and was here for orientation.. i feel like a pedifile...
In that case, you should probably come up to the union, orientation is in full swing, your kind of guys ;)
cunt.
it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
