if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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