Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Randomize
