look no pants
Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
We didn't go..parents came home with patron wanting to play drinking games --we asked no questions
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
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