I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
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