The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
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