Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
she's in the bathroom throwing up right now...what is the hookup protocol after she is done? what all can I do with her?
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
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