I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
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