last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
why is pumping your own stomach in your searches on youtube?
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
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