It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
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