Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
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