omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
Randomize
