I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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