I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
Agreed. Everyone should experience a blackout before 3pm in their lifetime.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
Would you even take no as an answer? I have a feeling you see it more as a challenge.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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