i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
she has tattoo'd to her hips "grip here" this is why they made spring break
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
Sorry my hands just texted you
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
Randomize
