I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
I'm just crazy horny about you
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
If its not for food we ain't going out.
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
