hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
Randomize
