I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
Now it won't go down.
You've got a gift.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
Randomize
