Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
Do you rver get that feeling like their are poprocks filling ur boday?
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
Randomize
