Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
forecast for tonight- shitshow with a chance of tbell
my version of bright and sunny.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
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