then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
what did gay clubs do before lady gaga
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
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