U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
No I am not eating basil off your cock
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
My brain is like a TV with 10 channels, 9 of them are static and the other one just plays that one Nagito Komaeda edit on loop 24/7
Randomize
