I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
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