someone threw a dead crab at me
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
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