Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
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