just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
