my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
Randomize
