Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
I'm sort of afraid for my life tho. If the 4th of July can be the way it was a DMX show is capable of anything
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Randomize
