I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
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