just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Randomize
