Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
I haven't even sucked a boob is 6 weeks I hate not college
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
