And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
Such a big mess for such a small penis
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