Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
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