Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
Randomize
