The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
Randomize
