her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
Randomize