you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
Randomize