Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
