You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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