Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
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