Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
Randomize
