i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
COCAINE IS GR8
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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