By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
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