I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
