Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
all I know is if I don't watch spice world right now there will be a firefight.
Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
Randomize
