Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
organizing the empties. That sober.
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Randomize
