lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
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